jumpstarting a life with a little spark to the head


ECT Lessons-I’ve-Learned #3: Look pretty for the occasion
May 8, 2009, 7:52 pm
Filed under: ECT | Tags: , ,

This sounds downright silly, but this is something that mattered to me.

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Though the hospital’s ECT guideline said otherwise, the staff allowed me to wear toenail polish. Only thing I can do to make my feet look decent is by painting on some bright color on those toes. I wanted them to look like my legs were prepared for sandal season. So, I picked a lovely deep-red color named “London Bridge is Falling Down.” (I already had this polish in my stash so didn’t bother buying some new color). But if you’re so inclined, you could pick a color name that is appropriate to this moment in your life. It’ll be like an expression of emotions on your nails!

Also, make-up is totally allowed! So, keep up with your daily skin regimen and look your best, because your face will be seen by  all those medical students that line up and stare at you as you’re being put to sleep. A little concealer goes a long way in covering up the little bumps you get if your skin reacts to the gel they put by your hairline. Blush or a touch of shimmer just might add a healthy glow to your face.

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Obviously, I’m joking a bit here and all of this seems totally trivial, but I needed something about myself that I liked during those five weeks, even if it was just the color of my toenails. Feeling pretty wasn’t the objective in getting a little dolled up. Putting on make-up before the ECT just allowed me to keep the same morning routine. A part of me was able to emotionally distance myself for a minute just before the reality that I’m about to have my head shocked. I also wanted to have just the same face on that I have when I go out of the house, including when I’m out for some electroconvulsive therapy. (One could argue that a bare face would show the doctors the ‘real’ you that they need to see.) Sure, call it a mask to hide the fact that my face isn’t really glowing from happiness, but surely, the doctors can’t be fooled by some bare minerals.

Small privileges sometimes mean a whole lot, so if a little eyeliner and gloss can contribute to a perceived sense of  near-normalcy, there’s no harm done.

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Wisdom of “That Lincoln book lady”
May 8, 2009, 12:11 am
Filed under: mental health | Tags: ,

Yes, that Lincoln book lady, I texted my sister back as I tried to explain whose speech I needed to go hear this morning. I went back to my alma mater to see the presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin speak today to the Class of 2009 (She’s the Pulitzer-prize winning author of “The Team of Rivals” and is a frequent guest on Meet the Press). Until after I graduated from this school did they start having this type of pomp-and-circumstance events. Sometimes I wonder if these kids know just how lucky they are.

In general I didn’t really love my college experience. Almost all of it was mired in terrible depression, which was already there before I came to college. I barely went to any of my commencement events, so to actually make it to someone else’s years later seems kind of strange but also reflects  on the fact that I am a lot less depressed now than I was around this time six years ago (For example, I don’t think I even got to sending graduation invitations on time to my parents).

Or maybe it just means I really like Doris Kearns Goodwin enough to go to the event. I had been excited about the news of her coming for over a month. And what a lovely speech it was. She was just like the person that she is when she’s a guest on any television show. And her calm, quiet yet strong voice carried throughout the gym as her words seemed to capture the audience. Goodwin’s speech wasn’t littered with those motivational quotes that one might hear during this type of event, but she was just herself, telling stories about herself, LBJ, and of course, Abraham Lincoln. Goodwin did have a larger point in telling these interesting tales. She tied all these historical moments up to say to these soon-to-be-graduates to live a life that you could be proud of so that your memories could live through your family and friends.

In listening to Goodwin’s speech and going to this Senior Class Day event in general, it wasn’t nostalgia that I felt but a strong desire to have that time over again. This isn’t regret and I know those four years of time cannot come around again. But when one realizes what all had been lost –and moreover, what all the possibilities could have existed– I do wish I could do it over again.

But of course, living with the decisions that you’ve made (regardless of what state you were in at the time) is what you must do. You can’t change those past choices, but I guess you have choices ahead that can change the future.I just don’t really like where I stand right now (that sounds so selfish).

But then I return to those stories of Lincoln as told by that warm, motherly voice of Doris Kearns Goodwin’s. Lincoln lost many times before he became the leader of our nation. It’s never too late to succeed; you just have to keep on trying. Before, such advice would’ve just felt like some impossible task.  Today, as her stories repeat over again in my head, I begin to feel a little calmer and try to accept my current state while realizing that as long as I am moving one foot in front of the other, no matter how slowly, I’ll eventually end up where I need to go.

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