RSS - PostsFiled under: mental health | Tags: envy, high school reunion, jealousy, standstill life
It’s hard to believe my 10-year high school reunion is coming up this summer. I don’t plan on attending, but I hope I can catch up with my small circle of friends in other ways than around a punch bowl in a large conference room. I’ve recently been keeping up with some of those friends via e-mail and so on. One of my friends, Duncan, even sent me first-season DVDs of “Mad Men” and “Pushing Daisies” while I was having ECT. Thanks to him, I’m now hooked on Mad Men.
It’s inevitable that people will ask each other what they’re up to these days. It’s been ten years, or around six years since we graduated from college. So, what have most of my high-school friends been up to? They got their PhDs from great universities and have professorships or work at some big-time companies. Some have married and are raising children. In this gap of time, everyone’s made something of themselves. Their life situation has changed, mostly for better. To put it simply, they’ve moved on since those times in high school. I have to admit I’m more than just a bit envious. Part of me thinks I could’ve had that life, too. After all, in high school I was that kid who was involved in a bunch of stuff – student body president, all-state band member, etc. Shouldn’t that type of energy have carried on into college?
“What have you been up to?” I can picture someone asking me that question over some finger foods and balloon-and-streamer decorations. I was voted “Most Intelligent” by the senior class back in 1999. Shouldn’t I have become something? Instead I’m an unemployed crazy person who decided to take time off to get electroconvulsive therapy. That the only thing that’s changed for me since high school is that I’m just not in high school. The prospects of a successful life is still there, but they have not been actualized. And I’m afraid those prospects are fast diminishing. Maybe I’m just plain jealous, that people have ‘made it,’ and I’ve just watched the time float away. It’s a standstill of my own stupid making.
I think and know that people had high expectations for me. And I broke those into pieces. The thing is, I had high expectations for myself, too, and a part of the reason may be why I get upset thinking about this topic is that I know I disappointed myself the most. Much of me still want so badly to meet those expectations.
I acknowledge that I’ve been dealing with a serious illness for these last ten years, but there are plenty of people who are dealt the same hand but are really, really successful. As I have come to accept myself, I will also be honest and say that there is some bitterness left. Can’t I just get over it already?
Filed under: mental health | Tags: adult Concerta, Concerta, Ritalin, stimulants
Tim Geithner didn’t hand me this little pick-me-up to reinvigorate my state of things, but I was given a prescription for Concerta, a stimulant to combat my persistent lags in mood/motion. It’s a methylphenidate HCI, so it’s really just an extended(controlled)-release Ritalin. So, the main use of this medication is to treat ADHD. The medication is supposed to allow me to function at a normal pace, instead of being scattered, too lethargic or constantly fatigued for no good reason.
As reported in the New Yorker article and elsewhere, people are using (or abusing) psychostimulants like Ritalin so that they can act like the energizer bunny. But for those of us who take it for legitimate reasons, this pill is just a means to be able to live a life like everyone else. I have taken this drug before, and as much as it would be great to suddenly have all the energy in the world stay up all night and finish every task ahead, it has never worked for me in that manner. From my experience, by taking Concerta, I won’t have to feel tired for simply sitting on the couch.
It’s only been a few days since I’ve been on this drug, but there is an appreciable difference already. Little by little, I find myself wanting to start and/or finish certain tasks. There’s actual motivation. More of my time during the day is really being spent more wisely than before. (Of course, this all sounds marvelous, but what I do during the day pales in comparison to what everyone else has going on). Though my emotional state is not affected, it is so nice to pick up my stride and not feel like there’s a block of cement stuck to my feet as I try to take a step.
Abuse of drugs like Concerta is a problem. But for me, this stimulant is a life-rescue package.
