I need new dress pants. Okay, maybe I don’t need a new pair of those ankle-length, gray Express Editor pants, but if I were to buy new ones, they now do need to be at least a size smaller. I browsed by Anthropologie one day and decided to try on a skirt. The salesperson looked at the fit and said, “you need a smaller size.”
Since the start of ECT in January, I think I’ve lost at least 10 lbs., maybe 15. The weight came off thanks to Mom. Our family was on a very healthy, nutritious meal schedule the whole time she was here this winter, and my sister and I have kept that habit going.
I should be a little happier to have lost this weight. After all, I really needed to trim down for health reasons (I had put on weight that’s not appropriate for someone of this height). And it’s kind of nice to just slip right into some of my old dresses or not worry that a button is going to pop when I wear a blouse. But there is a sort of discomfort when I have to think about my weight. Of course, people are always looking to lose a few pounds at all times, but for me, that pressure is oftentimes from the past. Since I was in kindergarten, I can remember others commenting on the way I looked. “If only you lost some weight, you’d be so pretty,” parents, teachers, coaches and even strangers would tell me. The comments never got me to lose any extra body weight. Instead, those words have stacked heavily on my heart and mind and as much as I try to leave that baggage behind, I seemed to have carried much of it with me as I’ve gotten older.
Even today when my parents see me, I believe they see my body weight before they notice anything else. I only think that because the first comments they’ll make is usually about whether I’ve lost or gained a few pounds. So, when I noticed that my pants fit a bit looser the other day, I couldn’t tell if I was glad because I had lost the weight, or glad that my parents will notice that I had lost the weight.
My psychiatrist told me once that instead of seeing it as a weight loss, I should see it as a sign that I’m getting healthier. So, as I look at myself in the mirror, my temptation is to wonder what others will think. However, I now try to tell my reflection that I am okay and am making way to becoming healthier each day.