encapsulated

SHOUT/New York Times

I have in my hand my evening pills, and I think to myself, was this all a mistake?

In the second semester of my junior year in college, a realization that I had depression and that I needed to get some sort of help finally clicked. I made an appointment with the student health center’s psychiatrist, and after talking to me for a few minutes, I remember the doctor asking me if I wanted to try an antidepressant. I sure didn’t refuse the offer, so he handed me a prescription. That was eight years ago.

Now, I sit here, halfway through the book “Anatomy of an Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America” by Robert Whitaker, and I am mortified. He actually mentions Dr. Frederick Goodwin—the guy that wrote “the bible” on Bipolar Disorder (Manic-Depressive Illness with Kay Jamison) and his and another colleague’s panel at the 2008 American Psychiatric Association’s annual meeting. They actually admit that only a small percentage of people “respond to these crummy treatments, like antidepressants,” and that those who are withdrawn from medication relapsed at high rates.  The data Whitaker presents basically concludes that once those diagnosed with a mental disorder ever tries to get off meds, the likelihood of relapse is high–much higher than those who go through non-drug therapies. One may argue that the cases of relapse proves that the meds work, but what research instead shows is that it’s because the meds alter the brain functioning to work abnormally, and not restore some normal order like we thought it did. In short, our brain pathways have been so changed that we can’t go without our meds.(The book is much more detailed in making this case.)

Eight years ago, did I make a choice that, in the long run, would never let me get better? Is this a doctor-approved addiction scheme? Had I decided to seek counseling first, where would I be now?

I shove those pills into my mouth, well aware of what the consequences would be if I stop taking them. But now I wonder, are the life-long consequences of taking medication worth the short-term relief?

Time for me to keep reading….