Lost and Found: what will be left?

Countdown to Obama Inauguration: 9 Days
No reason to countdown to the AFC Championship game anymore. Now that the Titans are out, I’m counting on you, Eli Manning, to see a team I care about in the Super Bowl.

I watched some Saturday Night Live and found myself laughing out loud.  As I soaked in that welcome emotion, I began to wonder, if I can lose my memory about events, won’t I be losing my memory of the feelings I felt during those events?

One of the goals of ECT is for my recurrent thoughts of suicide to dissipate.  That prospect of such amazing evaporation, in a way, is tied to that main side effect of ECT: memory loss. I am well aware of the likelihood that I won’t be able to recall some events that has happened or will happen during the treatment. Even though I may not remember that the Obama Inauguration happened, I will be able to DVR it or read about it once the cloud of confusion lifts.  Things that have happened can be retold to me by others.  But what about the thoughts that I had about those moments, or those intensely personal thoughts that I never wrote down or told anyone?  It’s one thing to forget events; it’s another to forget your own insight. No one archives our deepest feelings in a catalog which could opened after ECT.

I would be okay with losing the memory of watching Obama’s acceptance speech on Election Day. But if the emotions I experienced on that day become unable to be retrieved from my head, that would be such a loss to me.

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One Comment to “Lost and Found: what will be left?”

  1. yumers—My first reaction to reading your journal is shocked. And then I think ‘shocked’ is a very poor choice of words. So I think baffled, stunned, confused. You are such a beautiful, intelligent and funny person, so I don’t understand the thoughts that are going through your brain. Pardon my ignorance, but I don’t understand depression and suicidal thoughts, but I’m willing to open my eyes so I can better understand what you’re going through. Most of all, I just want you safe. And I want you to make it through the ECT with improvements. While you and I can talk about work, politics (shallow knowledge on my part), and other stuff, we don’t talk about faith or the power of prayer. It’s such an ambiguous topic—but I will pray and pray this week and for the remaining weeks until you are done with therapy. The doctors know what they are doing, but it can’t hurt to have a little help and guidance from God. You will be a constant in my thoughts ‘Little Spark’. This will be a new beginning for you.
    Take care,
    Joan

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