February and the American Mob

On Friday night, Mother and I watched the last hour of Godfather III. In the final moments where Michael Corleone can only open, but not make any sounds, with his mouth as he watches his daughter (Sofia Copolla’s character) dies, my mother began to tell me how only a parent can understand such sorrow of having to watch a child die. In this time of memory loss and utter confusion about life events, I suddenly remembered that February is a month when I had to call my parents six years before because I had to check myself into a psych. hospital for a suicide attempt that I made in my dorm room. It’s so weird that this second month of the calendar year has become the time that I’ve chosen to almost destroy my life, only to try to rebuild it almost exactly six years later. I’m fairly sure, in retrospect, that my parents were aware of this timing coincidence. And I have become aware, somehow through watching “the Godfather III” with one of them, that my past actions have hurt them more than I will ever know.

By virtue of this treatment, I guess I got some break from having to think about things that actually filled my mind at least one time of the year. It’s become slowly clear to me again what February had meant to me prior to this year. This time of the year would have brought up these painful memories that would have stirred my mind to think about those actions yet again. It’s now dawned on me how quite twisted my thought-process had become.

On the same American mob theme, my mother has lately become really interested in “The Sopranos” and we try to catch an episode on A&E daily. I do remember what happens to AJ’s character in the final episodes. I can certainly anticipate that she will have an emotional reaction when Adrianna gets killed or when Tony is in the hospital for an extended period. I can’t imagine how Mom will react when that episode, where AJ throws himself into that cold pool, is brought in front her. I haven’t “ruined” those episodes for her because the series would become less interesting, but also because I can’t bring myself to think about what happens to AJ. The ECT has made me realize what distance I had built between my parents, even extending to things like television shows.

2 Comments to “February and the American Mob”

  1. You’re fortunate to have had your mother around you for all of the time of the treatment. I have no support system, certainly one of the many reasons I’m depressed. There will be only one week where I have someone with me and totally dedicated to this. My sister is coming over for a week…

  2. I think I forget just how fortunate I have been to have my mom around for this whole time as well as weeks following the treatment. Having this support system’s definitely meant that I have one large thing to not have to think about during this time. She makes every difference. One other support I have is that my little sister now lives in the same condo complex since she started going to school in this city. I think I am a bit younger than you are, and that may change the dynamics of receiving support.

    I cannot imagine being in your position. Please let me know if there’s something I can do from where I am.

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