Whether(ing) Patterns

I don’t doubt ECT as a procedure. But I get afraid that it’s not going to hold for me when any single aberrant feeling seems to come over me. I’m well aware of the relapse rate, and I know that ECT is only a treatment, not a cure. So, when I felt this emotional distance, detached from everything and everyone around me, take over today and the day before, I began to count down those days against the number of consecutive days that you would have to have those sort of feelings in order to be considered clinically depressed, according to DSM-IV.

When you’ve been depressed/hypomanic (or whatever people consider as mentally-ill thought process) for most of your life, you don’t really have a gauge of what it’s like to be of normal mental state. I mean, what’s a normal emotional pattern? Just how up is too up, and how down is too down when you’re ‘normal’?

Various shades of gray have been the familiar scenery for the last four days in the sky. And that’s clearly not helped. I was so ready to just whine in the journal this afternoon. Then, that gray faded away and the sun showed up out of nowhere. Later, I begrudgingly followed my sister to the fitness room. She watched “Cash Cab” while she did her routine, as I caught up on TIME magazine as I trotted on that elliptical. I admit the column I read was about the Real Housewives of New York City (but the author does use words like schadenfreude). As my feet went round-and-round on those pedals, I actually began to feel a little calmer, as if some sun finally showed up in that gray mindset of mine.

On a side note, I am a bit annoyed with my six-year-old laptop. Maybe it’s not good for the plastic cover to start showing cracks…

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