April Showers

It is the second day of April, and night has come. The rain’s been pouring on and off since the late afternoon.

My weekly session with the wonderful psychiatrist, Dr. A, was today. Among the many things we discussed in the hour-long session, there is one topic that is still on my mind and probably will be for the rest of this month. I told her just how much I could not believe it’s already April. Where did a third of a whole year already pass by? (Well, going through ECT would be the answer in my case.)  The significance to most people about this time of the year is that there’s the tax deadline. But for me, the month of April is more than just the time to file your taxes. In fact, the tax day is also my birthday.

I wasn’t supposed to be alive on this month.  In November, my plan was to not have any plans by the time I would be reaching this birthday month. I meant for me to be dead by this point.  But here I am. It’s April, and I’m still alive.

I felt the tears welling up as I began speaking about it. A life that was not meant to be is still here. Had it not been for the ECT, I highly doubt that I would have made it this far, or maybe into 2009 at all. To be brutally honest, I am not ready to declare decisively that I am absolutely glad the plan didn’t work out, and maybe that conflict may never go out of my head. But at the same time, I will say that I felt like I had been given something that I did not deserve to have. The tears weren’t so much from this internal conflict, but rather, a sense of relief and– dare I say it –a bit of joy.

This day is coming to a close, and the tears start to fill up again as I think about then and now. I’ve made it through another day. The rain seems to still be coming down all across the city. Well, April showers bring May flowers, right? For now, I’ll take it one day at a time, but I wouldn’t mind seeing those flowers.

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