Confidence in sunshine, confidence in rain

Maybe it’s the sunshine that broke this morning and now the foreboding storm this afternoon, the chorus to “I Have Confidence” from that musical “The Sound of Music” popped to mind.

While humming the tune, I began thinking about the rest of the lyrics to that song. I did not remember all the words, so I looked up the lyrics to this tune. “Wow,” I thought as I read the opening words, “that captures much of how I feel at the moment.” The beginning goes like this:

What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what’s the matter with me?

I’ve always longed for adventure
To do the things I’ve never dared
And here I’m facing adventure
Then why am I so scared

I’d love to proclaim that everything is so much better after the ECT, but there’s a lot of mixed emotions that I can’t quite explain to myself or others. I physically feel much better, yet there’s quite a bit of anxiety that’s always brewing (then again, maybe this is just a side effect from Abilify…). Regardless, that uneasiness makes me wonder if I’m ready to be really back to joining the rest of the world again.

But here’s the difference between before and after the little sparks: I think I also can relate to much of the rest of the lyrics of this song. Or at the very least, I want to be able to reach to that level of…”confidence.” Well, I don’t ever want to be a governess, but Maria, the character who sings this song, then says:

Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don’t I just know I’ll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I’m worthy
And while I show them
I’ll show me…

And I’ll let the song sum up where I think I want to go:

And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They’ll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

In the film she says, ” Oh, help,” when she reaches the gate to that mansion. But she sings her way into the von Trapp home.  As for me at this moment, my intentions are to  soon reach that ‘gate’ to the rest of this life. By that time, I hope my confidence is there for me to be able to burst through the gates and welcome what’s to come.

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