in difference

This is my futile attempt to write something worth even skimming. It feels like I’ve lost my thought-process mechanism for the last few days. My head is often just spinning with random thoughts and the voice in my head is constantly chatting away – but it’s mostly come to a halt. Maybe this silence should be a welcome break, but this is not a comfortable position to be in. There’s practically nothing to write about, and even if there is, I can’t put together a cogently written opinion that would accurately capture whatever it is that I thought.

But I can at least write down something I noticed that didn’t really require deep thinking on my part- just from me and the person that I was when I wrote in those journals from the past years. There’s a lot more to say about them, but there’s a state of mind I often wrote about for years and as recent as around the Obama inauguration: indifference. It’s that numb, deadened state when you know you should be excited, or at least somewhat engaged. The moment I become indifferent pretty much meant that I’ve lost the essence of myself, that passion.

I just can’t say that I’ve felt indifferent since the ECT. There are many emotions I’ve experienced since the little sparks that I thought would be gone after the treatment, but indifference just hasn’t been something I’ve struggled with for the last month or so. My mind honestly can’t seem to process anything today, so I don’t really feel much  from realizing this. However, I know that it’s a very good thing.

Now, if I can just finish writing my thoughts on feminism and Meghan McCain…


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