One thing about having depression or bipolar disorder is that you end up doing something you thought you would never ever do. I’d hear stories about people cutting themselves, and I once would just think that I would never be able to do that to myself, even when the depression got worse.
I’ve cut myself several times.
When you first slice into your own flesh, the blood doesn’t pour out like one might suspect. Instead, the straight line you dragged into the cream-colored skin looks more like perfect ruby beads, jewels perhaps. Maybe I never cut in too deep. I don’t know. I sliced these perfectly parallel lines, first forming them on my wrist, then moving on to my ankles. I had already numbed myself with Ambien, but I can still recall many of the details. In fact, I have mementos from those moments.
I took photographs.
I captured the images of these beautiful red lines like if they were some work of art. A piece of art I created, only that hours later, you are too scared and ashamed to show anyone else or to yourself that creation. Those red pearls no longer look like art; it just looks like what it is: self-mutilation.
All it took was a simple craft knife and a woman’s razor, one that’s used to trim your eyebrows. How cruel it is that the tool marketed to make you beautiful is being used for something so ugly.
These red, red beads are all strung up with this beautiful red thread. Eventually, the beads mesh together and turn in to a bloody mess. And then come the physical pain. Maybe it’s just amusing to watch at first. That actual pain doesn’t register until the beads disappear.
You’re now all cut up, and you scramble to find a bandage that will cover the entire area that you’ve cut. Unless you’ve done this once before, you don’t own bandages that big. Actually, you can never own a bandage big enough to patch up the reason that led you to cut in the first place. The blood just runs, smears, drips, so you attempt to keep that liquid off the carpet. There is no glamour. It’s horrible.
I never thought I could ever cut into myself.