an incovenient test-time

It was a good thing that I had to go to work Friday night. I hadn’t showered. I slept the entire day, only to get up around lunch time to eat something. I only have three weeks left to study for the GRE, but I can barely drag myself upright to start studying. Abscond, abeyance, abjure, etc… I guess I’ve learned some “a” words.

I’m not quite sure how it is already Sunday afternoon. My house is a mess, and I still can’t get myself to take a shower today. I stare at the ceiling fan going around and around. Words escape me. Not just the GRE words, but simple, plain words. I’m so tired, and I don’t know how I got here. A few weeks ago, I woke up around 6:30a.m. and worked out and dreamt about starting back graduate school in the fall. Now, all the dreaming is done while I’m asleep, and being awake has become some sort of a nightmare. I’ve stopped working out, and the only accomplishment I’ve made is eating an entire bag of cheese puffs in one sitting. Since the ECT, I’ve had a hard time keeping track of the passing of time, and I now realize there were some things that were due by the end of May, which apparently is today. It must get done tomorrow, providing that I can get out of bed at a reasonable time . Where did all that time go? How is it that it’s already summer time? How is it that there are so many people at the condo pool just having a carefree time? I’m not angry. I’m just confused.

That ‘booster’ ECT that Dr. A and I’ve discussed seems to be now imminent. It’s really not quite like the full ECT in that you only need to wait 24 hours before going back to your normal life. Though I’ve agreed that I will go through it if I keep falling into this deep, dark pit, I hadn’t quite worked out the details, a big detail in fact. Though memory loss was not a huge factor during my own first set of treatments, nonetheless, it is still a side effect that I could have the next time I receive that ‘little spark.’ And I realized that memorization is one of the very ways to study for the GRE. If I even have one treatment, could I lose everything that I studied for in that short amount of time surrounding that little spark? It is nearly impossible to try to just study through this dark fog that’s now surrounding my head and weighing down my entire body, but what if any studying that I’ve done is swept away, all with one shock to the head? I may have been lucky with my cognition in tact these last 15 times, but they do not predict what will happen on the sixteenth.

I e-mailed my ‘Dr. Melfi’ about my concerns and in the meantime, we are upping my stimulant to see if I can just stay awake enough to get the daily chores done and feel better, maybe enough so that I don’t have to have this booster shot.

I hear laughter from the people who are out by the community pool. They sound so happy and cheerful. It’s a sunny day, and my room is yards away from that joy.  I am curled up on the couch watching the recent episodes of “In Treatment” with a GRE study book by my side. I remind myself that there will be ups and downs, as my doctor said. I know about the ups and downs, but right  now, please.  I need the ups.

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