In need of a little spark

I woke to a day with a sky that had a eerily gray tint to it. It’s Thursday, so it starts out with my session with Dr. A, as it does every Thursday. I got to her office building a few minutes early, so I sat in my car for those moments almost dreading what was to come. I hadn’t been able to write any for days, because it’s as if my mind’s ‘hamster on the wheel’ just collapsed and died. I physically felt okay, but I lacked any emotional content. Maybe people don’t usually have intense feelings every day, but a dearth of even a base to build any intensity just isn’t me. I just didn’t have anything to say.  My capacity to use language as my one means of communicating any emotion just vanished, and if one’s going to spend time with a psychiatrist, you better bring that part of you. I couldn’t. During the hour in her office, I wrung my hands as the tension in my body just crept in more and more as the clock tick-tocked away. So many awkward pauses, it was really horrible.

Even after it was over, I pretty much felt this session may have been a waste of time, not on my part, but for my “Dr. Melfi.” By the time I got back in my car, those ominous morning clouds had turned into an obvious sign that a thunderstorm was coming. I went home for a bit before work.  The rain began to pour hard right as I left for work, just as I realized I had left both umbrellas in my car. I ran to my car through all that water.

It was probably a good thing my job today mostly involved just cutting open boxes and placing the merchandise in the stockroom. A mindless task for a mindless, or a lifeless, person. After my shift I spent a good few hours at Panera Bread and studied for the GRE. I still don’t get these basic Algebra problems. Frankly, I just haven’t done enough studying and reviewing for something that’s coming up in about ten days.

As I drone on and on about today, it sounds like absolutely nothing happened that should have provoked strong emotion from any other person (and therefore should not be worried about why I am feeling this way). But the thing is, that’s not entirely true. At the very least, I know that I would have had strong opinions about what was actually placed in motion today. Dr. A and I discussed maintenance ECT again, and she called the admissions people at the hospital during my session so that I may be able to have treatment as soon as two weeks from now. Dr. A handed the phone over to me so that I could speak with the person on the phone. The intake person  informed me that I had be re-evaluated by a different ECT psychiatrist ( since my ECT doc is working full-time somewhere else) and also go through the whole intake procedure-including the physical- all over again. The lady on the phone talked to me as if I had never had the procedure before. When she asked me if I had any questions about ECT, I almost wanted to say, “I think the other 15 times gave me a pretty good idea about how this whole thing goes.” Before Dr. A put me on the phone with the intake person, I did hear Dr. A tell that lady that I might have maintenance ECT every month to six weeks.

Apparently, the waterworks ended about as quickly as it came. The weather had made an amazing turnaround by late afternoon, with a nice breeze and a beautiful pale-blue sky.  I’m now sitting on the porch with my cat, wishing I could just have a good cry, like that short and sudden downpour. But I can’t figure out how to do that today. Simon seems to feel more passion for gnawing on my chives than I do about anything right now. I’d be jealous of him, except I don’t even feel that.

I still feel like the sky saw this morning. Ridiculously dull.

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One Comment to “In need of a little spark”

  1. I feel very sorry for you, I wish I could give you a hug!You need one & more!

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