“Scared Shitless”

That’s what Juno’s stepmom (Allison Janney) tells the mom-to-be Vanessa (Jennifer Garner) at the end of the movie “Juno.” I’m not sure if “scared shitless” is really how I feel, but I have to admit, I’m nervous.

Rebecca from Parthenon Pavilion, the psych hospital, called Monday to let me know that everything’s been set up for me to have my first maintenance ECT, and all right after the GRE (yay). I will meet my new ECT psychiatrist and be evaluated by him next Tuesday. On the same day, there are also the evaluation by the hospital staff and a physical done by the internist, the two appointments that need to be done within a week before the actual treatment.  And the main event will take place in two weeks, on Monday, June 29.

There’s not a need to be so anxious. It’s really not a scary procedure. I should know; I’ve gone to it fifteen other times. And for this one, you get the treatment, you don’t drive for 24 hours, and then you go back to your life. It’s so simple.

It’s an awkward and a bad time to be filled with this energy. I need to be studying, but instead I just watch the time pass by. One of the channels has some sort of a “Six Feet Under” marathon going on. But mostly I’m just sitting under the ceiling fan, watching it spin around and around. (Well, I finally finished taking a practice test, so I guess I’m making some progress.)

It’s the process to the actual happening that causes those nerves to turn my stomach or make me pop some alprazolam (xanax). I know I am overthinking everything right now, but isn’t the process leading up to these events (ECT and the GRE) the only part I can really control? Actually now that I think about it, there’s practically nothing I can do to change the outcome of the ECT, but that’s not the case with the GRE scores. Really, learning more vocabulary will only help me on the exam. Besides, alprazolam only hinders you from having a good seizure.

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