lonesome night ramblings

…and I’m down again. It’s like I’m finally getting to come up out of the water for air only to be pulled back under. Maybe staying afloat takes a little more work, and a little more spark(s).

I am again out on the porch overlooking the empty pool. It’s the holiday weekend, so people must be out with their family and friends, planning where to go see the fireworks or what to bring to the picnic. I will spend a part of it working at the mall, but most of the time will be spent by myself. Usually, that doesn’t bother me at all, but today, I feel alone.

Maybe this holiday deal is making me all sentimental, but I think there’s something to this loneliness. I’ve never been able to connect with people, but that’s obviously been exacerbated by the depression. When you’re in depression, you cease to care about those around you that you tend to not notice when people leave. And as the darkness begins to retreat, you’re left with the circumstances that you’ve created over the years. It’s not pretty. In fact, it’s pretty overwhelming.

A part of me is beginning to ask myself, “How can I change?” Maybe it’s a good thing I’m asking questions. It doesn’t feel good, but the questions now sure beats my old self-questions like when I’d like to die or how.


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