Up in air

I am on an airplane back from Santa Barbara, and I look out the window and see land below that extends beyond my imagination. The image is suppose to be breathtaking. It is supposed to evoke a feeling of wonder about the vast beauty of our nature. Instead, I found myself faintly wishing I could evaporate into thin air, to drop out of sight into the landscape.

This is depression that will not go away.

No one would know that I am at all in any emotional distress from looking at me in person. Honestly, I’m not that depressed, so there’s not much to express outwardly in terms of a depressed mood. But what’s kept at bay doesn’t mean  it doesn’t still affect me. I don’t remember what it’s like to not question why I’m alive. Let me make clear that I am not actively contemplating suicide here. It’s far from that sort of thinking. However, I just wish that this wasn’t the thing to ‘keep at bay.’ Though I cannot speak for others, I think this, the unpredictability of having to deal with what lurks around, is what makes suicidal depression so hard to manage.

What’s changed for the better since I’ve started ECT is that I haven’t given up and given in to these thoughts. Now, if only they would go away….

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One Comment to “Up in air”

  1. I know what you mean about the unpredictability. I feel like I can’t make any decisions in life because I don’t know what sort of mental state I’ll be in weeks, months, years from now.

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