From a Distance

Here’s my guilty-pleasure confession: I love watching reruns of ‘America’s Next Top Model.’ It’s really another reality show with a bunch of catty young women posing for the camera, but I seem to love it.  So I was watching yet another marathon of ‘Top Model’ this morning, mostly because I don’t have to think about anything. Well, somehow one of the episodes found emotions in me instead.

It was an episode about being honest with yourself, and these girls were having to confess to each other about things people didn’t know about them. Maybe it was their tears, but it brought out the tears in me and something that I realized about myself: I’m not comfortable in my own skin, and I don’t know how to be comfortable in my own skin.

Perhaps the reason why I don’t feel comfortable around other people is because of this discomfort with myself. I even feel distance from the reflection in the mirror. I feel like I’m always being the person that people perceive me to be, or a pretense of who I think I need to be. More I think about it, more I realize that I’ve been doing this since I was a little girl. That constant desire to be accepted by others has caused me to forget to accept myself as I am first. Now I don’t know who the real ‘me’ is (is this where my indecisiveness comes from?). It’s such an odd feeling to not be familiar with yourself. My psychiatrist said to me last week that much of my constant sadness maybe comes from being alone all the time. She’s right in that I am rarely around people if I didn’t need to be. But maybe that loneliness comes from the fact that I don’t even find that emotional connection with my own self.

The girls on the tv have moved onto getting these underwater pictures, yet my tears are still streaming down. At that moment, all I wanted was a hug, but I knew of no one to ask.

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