The sky is gray, and rain is pouring down. But my mind and mood feel clear.
Today was my 21st electroconvulsive therapy. It was also a day for some students to get to observe people having ECT. I’ve been clearly the youngest person receiving the treatment every time I’m there, and therefore very close to the age of the students watching me. I wonder what it’s like to be watching someone your own age going through something like this. Anyway, things seem to have gone smoothly, with my seizure lasting 41 seconds. It did take a little while after the ‘little spark’ to recall information like what class I’m taking or when those classes were. But those bits and pieces about my life are slowly coming back (thank goodness).
I am amazed how familiar this procedure has become for me, and it’s odd how I’ve almost fallen into thinking that this is all normal and routine. Then I’m jerked back into the reality that there’s nothing normal and/or routine about ECT. Even if I feel that way, I have to tell myself that that’s not the way it is for people around me, like for my family. They are scared every time I have the procedure. Perhaps my calmness comes because I know firsthand how this all works. But there is much more uncertainty and waiting for them. My mother asked me how much longer I will be going through this maintenance ECT. I wish I could tell them that all of this will be over with soon, but honestly, there is no end in sight at this moment. A nurse did remind me today that as long as I’m getting better, the number doesn’t matter. While as much as I realize I’m doing this for myself, a part of me does wish I could tell them that they could soon stop worrying.
On a separate note, this is my 200th post. (Have I written that much stuff?) This journal has been an outlet for me that I am so glad I have had throughout this time. And I hope this will continue to help me on this road of recovery.