I cried last night, not necessarily because I felt scared about today’s ECT but because I feel like I’m an emotional burden to my family. I can tell that my family is scared and worried for me. I know firsthand how the ECT is done, what it feels like, etc., but for those around me, all they know is what they’ve imagined and heard about ‘shock therapy.’ Those emotions add to the stress that they don’t need to have, especially since my parents do not live in the United States. And for my sister, she has to miss class every time she has to drive me to the hospital. I do understand that it’s better for me and everyone else that I am rid of depression, but I can’t help but feel so bad that I am putting everyone around me through this.
Those emotions carried over to my ECT this morning. I felt strangely scared about the procedure even though it’s my 23rd one. But the nurse in charge of the prep room helped calm me down a bit. Yet another set of students were in the room, and Nurse J explained to them how this room sets the feel and tone for those of us about to have ECT. Upon hearing her speak to those students, I think I understood for the first time just how important this preparation part of the ECT is to me, and what a great nurse they had picked to get us ready.
Those students who I saw at the prep room came in for observation just when I was about to get ‘a little spark.’ I seem to be the lucky study subject nearly every time I’m there. After the ECT today, though, I felt happy and almost giddy. When I was asked by a nurse if I had a headache right after I woke up, I told him that I was fine. But my headache has been quite painful all day today. On top of it, the medication Lortab has made me nauseous. Oh well. I just have to deal with that for a day, and I’m sure they will soon go away, and I’ll get to enjoy this lightness.