a step back

I hate to admit it, but I guess I’m going to have to. I haven’t been feeling as well as I’d like to be feeling.

That sounds so ambiguous, and my attempt to explain the above statement will only make things sound more confusing and whiny. But this state is not where I want to be only a week after the ECT. Hell, this damn treatment should last me a whole month! But perhaps it’s beyond the little spark’s control. Am I just scared about the fact that I have a huge paper due in two weeks that I’ve really yet to do much work on? I think I’ve gained back some weight, and I can’t be fat when I see my parents in a few weeks. Or have I caused all of this because I, well, haven’t been quite meticulous about taking all the drugs each and every day? I’ve used up my prescription drug coverage for the year, so for a single drug (out of five or six that I take), it costs around $500….per month. I’m trying to stretch my stash out by breaking them into half or not take them at all on some days. Such a stupid move, I know, but I’m just not looking forward to paying nearly $1,000 for a one-month supply of my medication.

It’s not that I’ve crawled back into my depression cave or something. I’ve just found myself slower to get up in the morning and eager to have the day end (with Ambien, of course). I kind of feel like I’m in some emotional lockdown, except that I seem to be tearing up and I am making a futile attempt for the tears to not ruin the mascara I decided to wear today.

Sometimes you may be able to forget that you have this mental illness that has crippled you in the past. Other times, like now, something just jerks you right back into making sure that you remember you have bipolar disorder. It’s such a humbling feeling, to be pushed back down to recognizing that you’re really not all better, not just yet, and that I have to work at it constantly to gain and maintain a sense of normalcy. And even if I achieve that, I can’t forget that an illness exists at my core.

Hello. I have bipolar disorder, and frankly, right now I’m pissed about it.

…to be continued.

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2 Comments to “a step back”

  1. Thank you so much for your blog. I finished my initial course of ECT in October and am now into maintenance. I, too, have been slipping a bit in my mood, which scares me. I really appreciate your being so honest in your blog; it has been helpful for me to read it both before and after I started ECT. Thanks for having the courage to share. Hang in there!

  2. Jill, thanks, also, for sharing with me about your journey. I’m glad to know my venting is of some value. Hope we keep in touch! And hope your road to recovery goes well.

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