Into the Dark

Lala Song Player – I Will Follow You into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie.

How can I be depressed? I just had ECT less than a week ago. Maybe it’s this cold rain that’s dragging my mind down. I look outside, and it’s cold, dark and wet. I suppose that can get anyone down.

I’ve been studying recently with a friend I made since I started back school. (I asked him what his pseudonym should be for this journal, and he chose ‘Bad Penny.’ I’ll refer to him as BP. ) For some reason, I decided to reveal to him about this journal and about what’s been going on in my life. Maybe I just got tired of having to omit certain portions on my current life every time we talked. Somehow I found myself telling him about the ECT, my suicidal thoughts, etc. It turned out to be not as uncomfortable as I always imagine these conversations to go. I think that discomfort comes from the fact that this part of me that I try to keep hidden requires me to delve into the darkness every time I decide to talk about it. It’s not pleasant. But what’s becoming more clear to me is that it’s the truth. My truth. And I guess I’m proud that I’m still alive to be able to tell it.

It’s really weird to realize that it’s the end of the year and that I find myself looking forward to another year. I don’t remember the last time I found myself happy to be welcoming the new year. It’s not necessarily that I think the coming year will be filled with joy. On the contrary, I’m sure I’ll end up realizing something about myself that may not be all that happy. But even if it means having to go ‘into the darkness,’ I can accept it.

And right now, I have to just accept the fact that I don’t feel that great. Accept it and move on. Sometimes, it’s the only way to get through things.


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