Tear Down This Wall.

One of the things I like to do is look at people`s bookshelves. I think the types of books on the bookshelf tell kind of a story about that person

I arrived at my parents` home in Japan for the holidays and found myself looking at my parents` bookshelf today. There are fiction books, books on history, cooking magazines, among other reading materials. I also noticed something in particular. They had several books about depression, suicide prevention, and mental health in general. There was a tab on one of the pages on the depression book, so I took a peek at what page might be marked. The page was about rapid-cycling bipolar disorder.

I wasn`t quite sure that they knew my exact diagnosis until I saw that marking. I don`t remember telling them directly, so I am guessing my psychiatrist told them when she met with them prior to my having ECT. So, now I know that they know what I have. A part of me felt some anxiety that they knew about this diagnosis. But a large part of me felt a sense of relief. Though I have stories I do not want to share with them, I needed them to know at least this truth. It`s a wall that I thought stood between us, but it`s like I found out that it had been torn down without much agonizing. Until they knew this fact, I don`t think I had fully accepted that I have this illness. Now that I know that they are aware about my bipolar disorder, I feel like I let go of a big secret.

There are other walls that stand between me and my parents, but now there`s an opening that could possibly serve to create better communication between us.

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