I am in no way suicidal, but I must write this.
It’s a hard thing to explain, and I don’t even know if other people feel like this. As I’ve said previously, I have made suicide attempts, and I am still alive. When I have made those attempts, I have ended up hurting a lot of people. And I am deeply, deeply sorry that these people had to be tangled up in this selfish mess.
So, how do I feel about suicide now?
I am embarrassed to admit this, but I still feel like suicide is a choice that one should have the right to make. I’m not saying it’s legitimate or the right thing to do, but I’m just saying that I can understand how people come to this decision. And I think my thoughts on this matter has strengthened since I’ve made those suicide attempts.
There’s a line, I believe, between contemplation and action. Regardless of how much your mental illness played a part in carrying out this task, I think that once you’ve ‘crossed that line’ of having made those attempts, you kind of know that you have some capacity of being able to carry out this attempt again. Once that line is crossed, you know something about yourself that you didn’t know before. And I know it’s such an awful thing, but for me, something about me has changed in the way I view life and options in life. And I’m not sure I can ever go back to viewing life to the way I did before I made those attempts.
I don’t know if any amount of any type of therapy can fix how I feel, and whether it even needs to be fixed. Perhaps the only thing to do is to temper this feeling, and keep it well-contained somewhere where one do not act on his/her feelings should a time like that arise. But I am so scared that this one belief I have about this task will manifest my head if this ‘decision’ must be made again.
Just as you can never take back what’s already been done, can you ever undo the line you’ve crossed within your heart?