“sometimes, not being in control is the most beautiful thing in the world.” -Tyra Banks

I came home from work and happen to catch an episode of “America’s Next Top Model” when I heard Tyra say those words (Yes, I do love those reruns). That statement immediately got me thinking about what I discussed during my therapy session with Dr. L, my EMDR therapist.

I’ve always felt like I can’t connect with people, like there’s some barrier between me and everyone else. I watch people form relationships–from friendships to courtships–but I feel just out of reach of all of them.

But maybe it’s not so much that people are out of reach, but that I keep myself out of reach from others. Whenever I get even remotely close to someone, I pull back, sometimes so far back that I sever any sort of relationship. I’ve done that with some very good friendships that I had developed. I tense up just thinking about having to open up.

What is it that I’m trying to control? What am I so afraid of?


2 Comments to “clamshell”

  1. Hi.

    I found your other post (

    while googling suicide+asian+u.s. born

    I hope you don’t mind me saying this but it’s so comforting to find someone that shares my feeling of inability to connect with the world, general i-will-never-measure-upness and self imposed isolation.

    Just wanted to throw it out there.

    Thanks for sharing

  2. Shirley, thank you for opening yourself up and leaving a comment. It’s so hard to explain what it’s like to feel so alone, but I’m glad someone understands (though I wish we both didn’t feel so trapped in our own isolation). I do wonder if a part of this comes from being of Asian descent.

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