one week later: off meds

A little over a week has passed since I decided to quit medication. This is really a dumb decision that I’ve made, but while knowing that it was a bad decision, I still can’t get myself to go back on them. I certainly failed in this grand experiment, but if I do go back, I feel like I’ve failed even more. I can’t even write often or coherently anymore. Not to mention the fact that my body has simply melted onto my couch. I think I’ve been lying around more than my cat. I finally found energy to take a shower after three days without it. I have started to eat whenever and whatever I can, including doing things like eating spoonfuls of sugar. When I ran out of food in my house, I seriously wondered what cat food tasted like.

I did manage to go to my class on Tuesday night. I also wandered over to Whole Foods after class to pick up some food, about $50 worth. Instead of stowing them away in the fridge when I got home, I sat and ate the entire contents of that grocery bag, which included: Salmon/avocado sushi rolls, Falafels, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s creme brulee ice cream, a pint of coconut sorbet, a thing of banana pudding, and two packages of Wildwood baked tofu squares.

After class today, I had to go to Kroger to buy some eggs. Of course, I managed to buy myself some chips, a pint of sorbet and a six-pack of beer…probably all to be consumed tonight. I don’t know what I’m trying to do to myself, besides becoming twice the size of my current self. I know what I’m doing is incredibly stupid, and I’m headed toward an absolutely regrettable semester. But all I can seem to do is stare at my jar of pills.

Can someone give me a little nudge?

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4 Comments to “one week later: off meds”

  1. I’m not sure if this will help or not, but consider yourself nudged. I’ve been there and know what it feels like to be in that state of wanting to just lie around, not even having the energy to get up and shower. You will certainly not be failing by going back on the medication; you will instead be proving that you can beat this thing. I have missed seeing new posts from you, and I look forward to seeing more. Please restart the medication. :-)

  2. NUDGE! NUDGE NUDGE NUDGE!
    When you wrote a while back that you were thinking about it, I thought, “Ohhhh noooooo.” I have BPD and am doing ECT (more or less on the same schedule as you).
    This is a chemical imbalance. You found some chemicals that would help correct the balance. Who cares if it *looks* like a lot when you’re holding them in your hand, or if you have to take them two, three, four times a day? A car requires chemicals to keep it running, too, and if you were ever to say, “I’m going to quit putting oil, gas, coolant, and washer fluid into my car and see what happens,” your car would end up exactly where you don’t want to be–crashed (but without the Ben & Jerry’s).
    Last month I had a terrible experience. I’ve been on a great combo of meds for almost a year now–the longest time I’ve actually felt like “myself” since sometime in the early 90s. Then one of the drug mfrs suddenly quit making the drug I was on. No warning, not available at any pharmacy or from any mfr, no nothing. I was off it cold turkey until I could get in to see my doctor. I was bottoming out–I couldn’t get out of bed in the mornings, I was crying for no reason, shrieking at my husband, throwing away keepsakes, eating entire blocks of cheese. My doctor got me onto a new combination that has (slowly) started producing the same effects as what I was on before, and I’m able now to look back at that awful couple of weeks as an unsolicited reminder of why I should never go off my meds, no matter how good I’m feeling.
    They are a gift. They keep me alive. I take a handful of vitamins that’s three times bigger than my antidepressants and mood stabilizer, and it cracks me up every morning as I stand there with my omega-3’s and my One-a-Day and my vitamin D and my psychotropics and everything. They’re just part of what makes my body–and mind, and spirit–function the way they need to.
    Get off the couch, and take your meds. Then post again so we know you’re okay.

  3. Your instinct was a good one – namely, to try to be on the fewest number of meds possible. It looks like you just took things a little too quickly. After you get back on them, you and your doctor can try to slowly ween you off any meds that provide you with dubious benefits. I hope you feel better soon!

  4. Not a little nudge, but a BIG, BIG NUDGE!!! Or do you need a swift kick in the pants?! I don’t know—I’m not in your shoes. You just don’t sound good, and I’d like you to feel and sound better. Take care, please. Your friends need you and care about you.

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