Losing it

I feel like I’m losing myself.

I am talking to Dr. L about how I found out about a job opening at a mental health nonprofit and how I was thinking about applying for it, even though I am over-qualified for the position and already know that I can’t commit to a full 40-hour workweek. She began to probe me about my motivation behind wanting a job and little by little I just began to cry. I started to realize that I felt like everything around me is moving except for me. I’m 30, and I feel like I’m at an absolute standstill.

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5 Comments to “Losing it”

  1. I can really relate to feeling this way, it comes in waves at times. I am almost 35 and I often wonder why I am unable to “live”. Sometimes I feel like I died at 30 when I developed Fibromyalgia. Sometimes I wonder if it happened when I was a teenager and began to first experience the symptoms of depression and anxiety. But I have to remind myself that each day holds a new opportunity in it, to be different, to have new or joyful moments. I hold on to that hope, even when I do feel like I am losing it. You are not alone. I am sorry you are feeling like this.

  2. Adding a “me, too” to this note. I have a small amount of for-pay work (less than 10 hours per week) and often struggle to complete what should be simple tasks.
    I miss the work and the self that I was when I was working. That feeling of being left behind can be very strong.
    So what? (I tell myself bravely.) I may not be able to do what I used to do. The recognition of that fact helps me empathize with other folks facing similar limitations, such as aging family members and friends. The anger and fears don’t have to rule my day. (I tell myself, bravely.)

  3. Amy, thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone and that there’s always a new opportunity and hope in each new day.

  4. Karl, thank you for your comment. I hope I reach the point quickly where I, too, can tell myself bravely that I can’t hold on to the anger and fears.

  5. I hope you’re feeling better about this now. I feel compelled to tell you, though, that every person I have heard talk about you, even before I knew you, has always described you as smart, talented, good-humored and pretty. And now that I know you, I can agree with them. Knowing people like you, makes me want to stick with my graduate studies, and get to know more people, something I haven’t always been very motivated to do.

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