I want to be sedated

I guess it’s a pity party, party of one.

I can feel the rise and fall of my own chest as I breathe in and out. The splashing of water and the chatter among the people at the pool sound loud and clear. And I hear the faint but consistent sound of my ceiling fan above me.  The shwish of the grass outside. Sometimes, I feel like I become aware on so many things going on in life that I just wish that this heightened sense of awareness could somehow be toned down a bit. Do I really need to be so alert when my mind’s spinning all the time? Can’t I just be numb or a little ignorant of what goes on around me? Couldn’t I live just a perfectly contempt life without internal and external conversations I have in my mind could just cease?

The problem is that this ‘heightened sense of  awareness’ doesn’t equal feeling sharp or invigorated. It just paralyzes me. I can’t move on from thinking about the ‘what if’ and ‘I can never be [insert a noun here] because….’ I envy people’s    obliviousness sometimes, because it seems like if you’re oblivious to something, you can just go on about your business without worrying about that issue.

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