I know I’ve been fakin’ it, not really makin’ it

.….”this feeling of fakin’ it–I still haven’t shaken it.” -Simon and Garfunkel, Fakin’ It

It’s the beginning of September, and school’s starting up again. I was meaning to write about those things, but alas, something else came up.

For the last few days, I have been, for the lack of a better word, depressed. My body feels sluggish, and I simply don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m betting that this depressed mood is as a result of my not getting enough sleep; since the day I ran out Ambien, I haven’t been able to fall asleep until about 4am.

I wanted to look like I was fine, so for school, I put on some nice clothes to cover up the sadness that I feel. But even with that facade, it felt like I was going to burst at the seams.  My true mood could barely be held in. I developed a fear that I was going to unravel in front of people, and that fear came to a point that I couldn’t even acknowledge that my own friends existed. I really wanted to keep everything to myself, so even though I was physically able to go out for a margarita with some of my friends after class, I was pretty much silent to keep myself emotionally detached from everyone.   I also think part of the reason why I’ve  had a difficult time writing this week is because I couldn’t completely admit to myself that something was wrong. I guess I got tired of holding everything in.

On the way back from class, I put in a Simon and Garfunkel CD and belted along with the songs. I’m glad I saved the screaming to the privacy of my own car and didn’t happen in front of actual people.  I hope this mood goes away as soon as my sleep cycle is restored to some normalcy. But what I’m really hoping for is that this depression is definitely related to my sleep and not anything else.

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One Comment to “I know I’ve been fakin’ it, not really makin’ it”

  1. Always feel free to scream. Hell I do.
    -zak

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