It’s been a little over a week since the last ECT, and I’ve been evaluating how I’ve been feeling lately. I guess it’s been okay, but I just haven’t been feeling great…like how I imagine how ‘great’ feels like. My concern isn’t without merit. The fantasy football league I looked forward to so much last year didn’t bring about a sort of enthusiasm I expected for this year. Okay, I just evaluated myself using NFL football, but it tells me that something just isn’t clicking. There is an inclination to ask myself why I’m not feeling better since I just had ECT. But I think I’m asking the wrong question.
There is obviously a lot of criticism and protest over electroconvulsive therapy, but at the same time, there’s also a lot of people who claim ECT to be some sort of a savior. After 30+ treatments, I’ve come to a realization that ECT is neither of those things, at least for me. And part of the process of recovery is up to me. Likewise, we tend to put all of our faith on our medications and hold our breath until ‘it starts to work.’ But the thing is, our life is still going on regardless of how our meds are working on us (I just thought about that quote, “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”) We can’t just focus on our treatments all the time because we’re missing life itself—because we’re more than just our illness, and we’re certainly much, much more than the drugs we take.
In short, it’s not always the fault of any treatment that’s causing me to feel or not feel a particular way. Maybe this is just being ‘normal.’ What I sometimes forget is that living a life doesn’t have to mean you feel happy and excited about it at all time. In fact, wasn’t it this ability to have a spectrum of emotions that I was looking for?