mirage

My family went to Kyoto today, mainly to visit my grandmother who is in the hospital. While I`ve been told that her mind has deteriorated some, she still remembered me and my sister. As my sister and I sat next to her on the hospital bed, she talked much about how hard the nurses work. She also mentioned how we must not have any worries and struggles in life. I do realize that I have had a privileged life and that I may not have had to deal with a lot of struggles that people may have to face in life. I cannot imagine having to lose a spouse (which happened just a few months ago for her), but I get a bit annoyed when people assume that just because I might look a certain way on the exterior that I must have absolutely nothing to worry about in life and that everything must be going well. As much as the ECTs have become a routine part of my life, they still signify the reality that I have to deal with an illness on top of whatever else that may be going on in life. Well, to be honest, ECT`s not simply something I do as an aside from the rest of life; it is often my life, at least for the last two years. I will have to say that the experience of other treatments I`ve gone through is different from the experiences I`ve gained through having ECT. And while I have found a way to tell the story via this journal/blog to other people, I still don`t feel the need to tell any of my relatives (outside of my sister, parent) about my mental health issues. So, though I may feel annoyed that others in my family see me as being totally happy, part of me wants to perpetuate that appearance.

I smiled and nodded to my grandmother, and she moved on to talking about stuff like marriage (I did tell her that having a male cat in my life is enough for me….).

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