after-shock

photo taken while stopped at a red light

The sky is an eerie pale gray. Snowfall must be imminent, but right now it is raining.  I am driving through this rain that’s making everything around a blur. Such weather would understandably make anyone’s mood sink a bit, including mine, but today I feel fine.

People ask me what it feels like after ECT, and I always have a hard time putting it in some easy-to-understand example, but I feel like I just found it. Last week, everything seemed gray and a blur even when there wasn’t rain. My body moved a little slower amidst the rest of the world. Then, I had my ECT. It’s been almost a week since the treatment, and in general, my list of stuff-to-do and stressors hasn’t really been altered since before the little spark. But today, while I’m not seeing songbirds and butterflies, I don’t feel dragged down by a simple change in surroundings. I recognize the state around me, but I still feel awake, aware, and real.

Before having ECT, I think I kind of expected the post-ECT to be existing in a world that’s all shiny, bright and wonderful. Well, what I’ve found out is that I instead get to experience reality, not any better or worse, but for what it is. In short, I get life. And that’s ok with me.

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