Depression has always made it a bit uncomfortable for me to see a scene in a movie or other programs that included a suicide attempt. That discomfort escalated to a point of real uneasiness after I made my own first attempt. Since then, seeing those scenes often contributed to triggering a desire to contemplate suicide. So, when a friend asked me this weekend if I wanted to go see “The Virgin Suicides” for free at our local museum, I hesitated. Could I handle a film that involved not just one, but multiple suicides? Will this lead to my having to think about suicide? Despite those worries swirling around me, I agreed to go.
The movie was odd but good (for one that involves multiple suicides of teenage girls…), and the viewing even came with free popcorn. Any other time, I would’ve felt almost frozen from having to see something like that, but even when we went to dinner afterward, the conversation flowed fine. Sure, having to go eat with someone after watching a movie doesn’t leave a person any room to replay those scenes in his/her mind, but I didn’t even think a single bit about the film while we had dinner. After I came back home from dinner and a movie, there was a certain amount of expectation that I would have to deal with my emotions. After all, being left alone to think about things has often been a “good” opportunity to contemplate. I sat down and looked at my wrists. I ran my fingers across each wrist as if I thought I’d find old cut marks from years ago. But even while I stared at my limbs, my thoughts never crossed over to even a moment of contemplating suicide.
I know it’s just a reaction to a single film. But I really am surprised that a movie that’s titled “The Virgin Suicides” didn’t provoke a dark reaction from me. Just maybe this is an indication that I’m doing better, bit by bit.