digging ditches

My mom brought over some cake from Japan to be taken to my psychiatrist, Dr. A., so yesterday morning, I figured I’d just head on over to her office to drop it off, even though I didn’t have a scheduled appointment with her. I was planning to hand it to her receptionist to give to Dr. A. later, but I happened to catch her in between appointments. She quickly ushered me to her office just to check in with me, telling me that she was planning to call me to see if I was doing okay. After all, I hadn’t seen her since November. I smiled, told her I was fine, and that I’ll come see for an appointment in two weeks.

It’s true that I do have an appointment lined up with her, but I’m not sure if it’s really true that I feel fine. It’s not like things are falling apart, but I just feel like something is off kilter. I’ve been feeling this way before the ECT, and not much has changed even after the ECT. Today, I met with my therapist, to whom I briefly mentioned that I’m not feeling right. I passed it off as probably stemming from my inconsistent med schedule as of late, but honestly, I don’t know what’s causing this rut.  Maybe it’s from the stress of having Mom around. Maybe I’m just having a bad week and it shouldn’t concern me this much. But having depression/bipolar disorder scares you into thinking that maybe you’re once again stuck in a hole that you might not be able to dig out of easily. Regardless of what’s causing this dip, I really just need to get to feeling better. I’m already behind on turning in a midterm exam for my stats class; I can’t get far behind on other tasks at hand……..and I also need to get back to writing something of substance for this journal.

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