I do a double-take at my phone screen as I see what day it is. March 31. One more day til April. I have no idea how in a world I even got to the end of March, because I certainly haven’t finished all the work I should have by this point in the year. Hadn’t I noticed that all the cherry blossoms are in bloom? Shouldn’t I have felt the nudge to pick up the pace when I started seeing all the Easter merchandise in stores? It’s like everything has moved on around me except for me. A half-written paper, the partly read books…I’m dragging my feet with everything that I do. And not just with these tasks, it’s like my whole body’s going in slow motion. Everything around me is moving so fast, and I can’t grab onto a thing, that is, if there’s anything at all to grab onto. I try to get myself to “just get it done,” but I fall further behind. It’s like I’m watching this whole year slip out of my hands, and I don’t know how to stop it.
I am so disappointed in myself for not having had a productive beginning to this year and for not moving along in a timely manner, like the seasons, for instance. In fact, I’m angry. The frustration is just mounting because I don’t know if I’m just being lazy or if I need to address the issue with my psychiatrist. Maybe I’m just angry at myself because I’m trying to blame it on the illness when I’m well aware that I just have not performed up to some sort of a standard. Really, I’m mad.
While all this anger is simmering, I do think about how the weather has been during this so-called Spring. I’ve been having to wear a heavy coat every other day, while the rest of the days have been unseasonably warm. This roller-coaster of a weather has been just that: a roller-coaster ride. I don’t think it would bode well for anyone’s well-being to have such topsy-turvy weather. So, I guess I need to be a little bit easier on myself, because I shouldn’t expect myself to feel stable when the surrounding itself keeps switching around.
But still, I need to look at the time and realize that the time’s a-ticking, and it’s time to get going.