Two days ago, I had to get out my black fleece jacket from the closet so I could walk across campus without becoming frozen from the cold and the wind. The night before that, a huge thunderstorm/tornado hit around the area, causing the power for my building to be out for almost two days. The weather for this so-called spring has been nothing short of unpredictable, with so many ups and downs. It’s almost mid April, and I’ve yet to pack up my sweaters to be seen again in several months’ time. It’s as though the season that should have passed by now is still lingering, and I can’t quite put closure to it. I feel like that’s the way I’ve been feeling as of late, with letting my mind find its way into the colder, darker places that exist somewhere in me, and then coming to assume that there’s nothing else beyond such place.
When things you can’t control, like the sky activities, become a total guessing game, I start to think that things that are actually partly dependent on my actions are all up for grabs, too, which is so incredibly untrue. I have a set of herbs on my porch that I’m trying to keep alive. While having the sun out is important to them, I am responsible for if/when they get any water. If I don’t nurture my own self in the ways that I can (e.g. taking all the meds all the time, keeping my psychiatrist appointment, or sustaining an active but structured schedule), I shouldn’t expect to be able to withstand days (or weeks, or months) without any sunlight. I recognize that sometimes my moods really are up for grabs, but there’s usually something that I can do that just might help.
While this unpredictable weather may not quite have ended its very long run, it’s brought a little peek into what’s to come. It’s 71 degrees outside today, and sunny, and instead of working on putting away those sweaters, I’ve spread myself out on my porch, just allowing myself to soak up that sunlight, next to the beautiful geranium that I just got last week. I see on the forecast that there’s a thunderstorm coming ahead in a few days’ time, but what the weather changes for the last few weeks have taught me is that the storms may come, but they always pass. Until then, I will be armed with my red rainboots and umbrella and hope that I can look good in rain :)