a hard day’s night

I took ambien last night in order to get some sleep, but I decided to keep doing stuff around the house even when that ‘sleep threshold’ hits you after about 30 minutes.  After baking some brownies, etc., I realized that I was wide awake at 2am, so I decided to take another one. I eventually went to sleep, but I woke up even before 5am. If I’m ever up around that time, I usually could pique my interest by watching ‘Mike and Mike in the Morning’ or ‘Scarborough Country,” but I couldn’t seem to gather my thoughts in any coherent manner.  I felt pretty much restless, with my mind awake in a way that didn’t feel clear-headed, but rather running around again and again with nowhere to go.  My boyfriend noticed how detached and confused I seemed to be acting, so he and I went and worked out for about an hour. Even after the workout, I could not get myself to calm down. He and I decided that it was probably best for me to not stand around in the house, so we went to several stores and to lunch, but even after several hours of that, the restlessness would not break. The irritability and the agitation just kept seeping out of me.

By the time I got home (the first time), I realized that I was on the brink of not just anxiety but hypomania. Crap, I thought to myself, as I made a fruitless attempt to take a nap. I could feel the fear crawling through my skin, but my mind just spun around so much that I could not even slow it down enough to shed a tear. We were going to spend time hanging around at the house, but we decided that I needed to ‘wear out’ my turbulence, this time by walking around the mall. We walked around for several hours, interspersed by moments of purchasing random stuff.  We eventually came back and made some dinner.

It’s past 10pm, and I’m finally starting to feel somewhat tired albeit still filled with some nervousness. I know that I have to get a good night’s sleep in order to stop the hypomania in its tracks. Otherwise, it could get very ugly quickly. However, I know it’s not the best idea to take ambien tonight, so I’m facing a bit of a dilemma. Should I just stay awake until I fall asleep (whenever that may be), or take ambien and just hope that another disaster like the night before won’t befall my way this time around? My boyfriend and I came to a compromise that taking Tylenol PM wouldn’t be as damaging as taking the mind-altering ambien. So, that’s what I’ve decided to do.  Plus some ice cream and brownies.


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