fighting the current

It was like a hard wave that crashed over me as I was finally getting used to treading that water. This sea of agitated state, or near-hypomania, seemed to have calmed down a bit, and with 5.5 hours straight hours of sleep last night,  I was becoming optimistic that I had mostly recovered from what’s been going on this past week. ‘Oh, good, a new week is finally here,’ I thought to myself even though I knew I had woken up a little earlier than I was hoping to get up. I got up to make coffee, and  as I was sitting on the couch checking on some news on the computer, out of nowhere, an overwhelming sense of anxiety came over my body. I made a futile attempt at trying to just continue to sip on coffee and pretend to care about the morning news. But in that instant, all I could do was just ball up and be still. After a few minutes, the wave would recede, and I moved my shivering body to the bed where I thought lying down might help. Even there, these waves of agitation, anxiety and fear all rolled up into one would just slam again and again into my body and mind, causing me to be able to do nothing, except cry. I cried, not because I was sorry for myself, but because I really was scared that I may not be able to stave off a full-blown hypomania or a mixed state even with all the effort I had put into to stay calm (with the help of my boyfriend).

Having also felt like I had swallowed that bitter seawater and now feeling like the agitation had been pumped into my extremities, now, it was becoming more obvious that the best thing (and perhaps the necessary thing) to do was to call my psychiatrist for any appointment that might be available. Despite my misgivings about taking more medication, it just was not worth nearly drowning in the water over and over again if something to grab onto was available. Even I’ll admit that at this point I needed the medication. It was time to ask for professional help.  I called, and thankfully, she had an opening the following hour.  I got to see my Dr. A, who succinctly determined that I needed to up the dosage of Abilify, and to quell this terrible anxiety, try some alprazolam, more affectionately known as Xanax.

I’ve picked up my prescription of alprazolam, and am now clutching onto it before my mind and body get swept away by the waves. This isn’t necessarily the hardest stretch of panic, anxiety and hypomania that I’ve been through, so all I can do now is to remember that this, too, shall pass.

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