day after the shock

It’s a day after my 34th electroconvulsive therapy treatment, and I’m awake. I got up around 8am, which had been a really hard thing to do for the last week or so, but today, it really wasn’t bad. I drank some coffee and ate a biscuit, took my cocktail of bupropion SR, concerta and deplin (at night, instead of concerta, I take abilify), and then went on my errands. I ended up purchasing myself a Roomba (yes, the robot vacuum thing…), and signed up for a year-long Koko Fit Club gym membership. Now, I’m back home and sitting around thinking about what to get done next.

I must admit I feel much better today than I have this past week. My mind isn’t stuffed with guilt, disappointment, etc. Rather, I feel much calmer and tolerant of even the things that are frustrating in life, like the weight I can’t seem to lose or choosing a path in this life. Even my boyfriend thought I seemed a little happier, which is definitely a good sign. But what is ECT worth? Like practically any medical treatment, there are side effects to having it done. Though I’m not sure if the following is as a result of the ECT or I’ve always been this way, but I can remember having read something—-but not what they were about. Yesterday before ECT, I was talking with someone who had brought his mother to ECT. When I was about to leave, a man said something to me.  I had to be reminded by him that he talked to me before the treatment. I don’t think the memory loss that I’ve experienced has been that bad, but it’s certainly not a good sign, worse, if it has a cumulative effect. I agree that this most recent procedure has allowed me to feel much better than the last few previous days, but could I have reached this point without having this treatment? Would I rather have medication dictate the direction of my mental (and physical) health, even though they, too, have plenty of side effects to mention? Which is better, or should they both be a part of my treatment plan for now? Because I had some depressive and hypomanic episodes over the last few weeks, what was supposed to be close to the end of my ECT cycle now seems far away. But the fact remains that I get to decide which path to take, and right now, I don’t know.

Either way, I’m going to have a healthy dinner, and later in the evening, go workout at the gym. As much as I should  be frustrated over making this decision, it’s nice to be back to feeling better again……..thanks to ECT.

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