a misspent livelihood

There are days when I am so annoyed with myself that I don’t really know what to do. That day is today. Since the time I woke up, I’ve felt all angry inside, and don’t know how to release all of that tension. Instead of listening to my professor in class today, I drew a picture of a person’s head that’s confused. Also, It inevitably got inflicted onto my boyfriend, who takes it as a sign that I am annoyed with him. But the thing is, it’s not really about him that’s getting to me.  I’m just annoyed at myself, for being fat, for not being able to have a clean house, for not accomplishing anything of value, etc. We went and had a martini at a restaurant early in the evening, and he told me that despite all that I’m feeling, I am valuable. I really did appreciate him for saying that, but I still feel like I’m ruined.

I know I’m wasting time feeling sorry for myself (which I’m not sure this is exactly what I’m doing, but I’m sure not helping myself any by feeling this way), and it probably might help to just open up and tell someone how I feel. But if I do pour out all this crap, it’s like I’m exposing someone to a virus, contaminating everything in sight. And the last thing I want to do is hurt other people.

I saw the quote above on a book at West Elm the other day. As much as I thought I agreed with the quote, now I’m not so sure. Right now, I’d really rather have a perfectly kept house so that I didn’t have to show anyone how messed up I am.

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