days of miracle and wonder.

it’s been a while since I’ve been here. It was more of a forced abandonment , really. Perhaps I’ll explain about it sometime later. The main issue had to do with a sister who found out about this blog, and then threatened to tell about the blog to other members of the family if I didn’t give in to certain demands. I was crushed. Any remaining flame of my desire to write that I had kept lit through the use of this outlet was blown out. I became afraid to say anything. The sadness was nearly unbearable but the voice of mine couldn’t be used to alleviate any of it, because someone decided to take it all away. My mind and body found themselves in a prison of its own making.

Now it’s been well over a year since my self-imposed silence, not only on writing, but on many aspects of my life. Especially communicating with others. One person that I kept in touch with throughout this time is my boyfriend—-who is now my fiance. And over the last few days, we have been spending the days at our place with his almost-tween daughter and a teenage half-brother of hers, whom he takes in as his own. We’ve been doing what families do around this time of year, like put up lights on the porch, watch movies and eat together. I’ve watched my fiance teach his little girl how to use a knife properly in chopping vegetables and to knead dough. And I’ve spent some time talking to the teenage boy about our fantasy football teams. This morning we opened presents, and in the afternoon, we sat down for a full Christmas dinner, with all the trimmings around the ham, and the cat sitting on the table, waiting for his share of that smoked meat.

I write this tidbit as I hear the sound of some x-box game going on as the teenager shows the dad how to play the game. And I hear the little girl playing with her littlest pet shop toys, as she makes up elaborate backstories for each one of the little plastic animals (the cat is in that same room, asleep, and full of ham in the tummy). It’s truly odd that this person who thought she could never come to love other people has somehow come to love another person…..and then some more. The other day at the mall, I happened to be talking to the salesperson who helped us pick out my engagement ring, and I told her that I am just so happy to have more people to love this holiday. And the thing is, I really am so absolutely, wonderfully grateful to be in this moment. It’s not one that I ever pictured for myself, but it is one that I won’t trade for anything.

I have more to share, but I should get back to the festivities.

5 Comments to “days of miracle and wonder.”

  1. I just came across your blog today. I find it interesting because your thoughts really help me understand mental illness and depression. I am interested in what is happening for you today and what is it that is helping you.

  2. Charles: Thanks for your comment. I am planning to start writing more again, and am in process of possibly using my real name to write future content on this topic. It’s very nice to know that this blog is of some use. Please check back soon; i’ll have something up pretty soon. Thank you again. Your comment made my day.

  3. Hey lady! Obviously I know who you are, but I too am interested in what you see as the process that led to a change toward more happiness in your life. Do you credit the ECT? Was it a combination of factors? Why did you start writing again? Did you “come out” about the blog to your parents to thwart your sister, or did you just decide you didn’t care if they were pissed?


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